Online Dating as a Straight, Demisexual Female

Morgan Cassidy 

Online dating can be a daunting space, but it seems to be the only way to find someone in the current times, especially with the pandemic still hanging over us. It is incredibly difficult to meet anyone in the outside world, but dating sites have given us that chance to build relationships with potential partners.

Being a straight demisexual female has made this experience much more difficult to find someone. There has been a rise in active feminism that woman have a choice to do what they want with thier body, and that they don’t have to wait until marriage to become physically intimate with someone. If they want a ‘one night stand’ or a ‘hookup’, that is completely their choice, with consent on both sides. However, with more and more women choosing paths like this, it seems that men are assuming all females want this kind of lifestyle. Personally, I am uncomfortable with the idea of a hookup, and I need to have an emotional connection with someone before being intimate with them. 

In the past few months, I have been very open about my demisexuality on my dating profiles, and I have noticed that my Match Rating has decreased. The ones I do match with negatively question why I am demisexual; that if I am only attracted to emotional bonds I must be swiping right for every profile, that I am being a prude, that I am uptight. It is incredibly draining that seventy percent of the time, men only want to negatively comment on my sexuality, rather than ask who I am as a person. Men hate the idea of waiting until marriage to be intimate with them, when in reality that is not the case for most demisexual people. All I ask is that we get to know each other and form a close bond before we take things further. I actually have no interest in marriage, but I never get the chance to explain my demisexuality to them, as it is clear they have already made their decision. 

Women are free to do as they wish with their bodies, and the demisexual lifestyle is the lifestyle I am comfortable with. My online dating experience recently has made me think twice about who I am, and it is almost making me feel like I am an outsider, that there must be something wrong with me that I am not ‘turned on’ by just appearances. The more I chat to other females about demisexuality, it surprises me that most women seem to prefer developing emotional bonds first, but because I have put a label on mine, most men go in for the attack; that what I prefer is not a normal behaviour. 

What I am asking from the male community is just to have an open mind. Yes, ask questions, but don’t be disrespectful about it. When you respond with “that’s weird” or something similar, it can really discourage a demisexual from online dating, and it can be very lonely. I am in a good position in my life where I feel happy being independent, but not everyone is. Be kind. If you are online for something casual, then you are free to do that, but don’t undermine those who have chosen a different lifestyle.